Battlefield Earth (2000, John Travolta)

So I was reading this book called Fiasco: A History of Hollywood's Iconic Flops and one of the films it discussed was Battlefield Earth. Something I had never seen before and never really wanted to. I remember when it came out and seeing John Travolta dressed up in that ridiculous Rastafari alien costume and just thinking how amazing it was that anyone would make this film, let alone a huge star like John Travolta. After reading what a suckfest it was, something intrigued me. It's like when you hear that someone puked outside and you can't help but run out and look at it, though you know it will make you nauseous.

Battlefield Earth takes place in the year 3000. The aliens from the planet Psychlos have taken over Earth, leaving mankind an endagered species. The only survivors must hide from the aliens in primitive caves. One of the humans, Jonnie "Goodboy" Tyler - aka "Ratbrain" (Barry Pepper) decides he needs to find a better life, even if it means leaving his love behind. He is soon captured by the Psychlos, led by John Travolta's annoyingly unfunny Terl (way too close to "Turd" to be a coincidence) and his sidekick Ker (Oscar winner Forest Whitaker). While imprisoned, Jonnie learns of Terl's plans to double cross his fellow Psychlos and leads the other humans in a revolt to take back their planet and destroy the aliens.

This movie is embarrassing, stupid and unintentionally funny. The first half of the film was like a test to see how bad a Hollywood movie could be. I'll proudly admit though that I couldn't help but get hypnotised by it and really engrossed in what was going to happen. This movie was really bad, though I actually found it enjoyable.

Rating: 2/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991, Martin Kitrosser)

Whew, what a relief. Silent Night Deadly Night 4 was actually a good movie! Fortunately many of the same crew members and actors returned for part 5, though the story and characters are unrelated.

Continuing on with part 4, Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker is a wholly original story that has nothing to do with the previous films in the series. A little boy named Derek receives a mysterious Christmas present and witnesses it come to life and kill his father. Derek becomes mute and scared of toys, so his mother takes him to their old friend, the Toy Maker named Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney) and his son Pino (get it, like Gepetto and Pinocchio) to pick out a special toy. Without any luck they leave, but we soon find out that something is going on with Joe Petto's toys when one of them comes to life and kills someone else. Is Joe or his peculiar son Pino to blame for the Holiday slaughter or could it be the mysterious Noah who seems to be following Derek and his mother?

Silent Night Deadly Night 5 is on par with part 4. A neat little story that comes together well when the story unfolds and the pieces of the puzzle start falling into place. Some more great special effects from Screaming Mad George and it's fun seeing Mickey Rooney as The Toy Maker. Still not really a Silent Night Deadly Night film other than the name but still well worth a watch around the Holiday season.

Rating: 3/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990, Brian Yuzna)

If you've read my reviews for Silent Night Deadly Night parts 2 and 3, you're probably wondering why I am torturing myself with the remaining sequels in the Christmas horror franchise. Certainly if parts 2 and 3 are abysmal, part 4 and 5 must be even worse, right?

Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation breaks away from the story of Billy and Ricky Caldwell of the first 3. This time, an aspiring newpaper reporter named Kim (Neith Hunter) is striving to find the right story to get her big break. After a flaming body mysteriously falls from the roof of a building, Kim starts investigating the strange occurrence, which leads her to Fima (Maud Adams), an eccentric bookstore owner who lives in the same building that the death occurred. Kim soon gets tangled up in Fima's mysterious cult who is trying to make Kim their new queen.

Definitely an improvement over parts 2 and 3, Initiation is actually an original and fun horror film with lots of weirdness and slimy special effects (courtesy of Screaming Mad George). There are tons of bugs and other insect-like creepy crawly things sure to make you start itching yourself. The weird story and characters are also fun. Overall, a decent film that probably shouldn't even be a part of this series (especially after the previous two pretty much destroyed the franchise).

Rating: 3/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out (1989, Monte Hellman)

Part 2 was bad. Painful even. I figured the producers realized their errors and decided to make right. Hell, they got the brilliant Bill Moseley (Chop Top from Texas Chainsaw Massacre part 2) and Monte Hellman (director of Two-Lane Blacktop). Did they succeed?

Ricky (this time played by Bill Moseley) is back. This time, he has been in a coma since the shootout at the end of part 2 and he wears a plexiglass bubble on the top of his head, exposing his brain. A blind woman named Laura, who is being treated for nightmares at the same hospital as Ricky, finds that she has psychic connections to him, seeing his murders before they happen. Sure enough, Ricky comes out of his coma and goes on a killing spree, with Laura his main target.

Well, unfortunately this film sucks too. I was so excited about finding an old used VHS copy of this at a thrift store for $2.00 that I could hardly wait to watch it. Part 3, 4 and 5 have never been released in the US on dvd and part 2 is out of print (it was on the flipside of the original Anchor Bay release of part 1). Anyway, the film is just another silly late 80s horror film with nothing going for it. Moseley speaks about 10 words in the whole movie and the rest of the cast are forgettable (unfortunately some of the hair styles are not!) Even Monte Hellman can't save this film from being worthless. The plot is stupid, the characters are just there and the killings are pretty unimaginative. Oh well, maybe they'll eventually get it right.

RATING: 1/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 (1987, Lee Harry)

What can you say about a film which is made up of 50% flashback footage from it's predecessor? Not much.

Ricky, the Santa killer's brother, goes on a rampage after the traumatic events of the first film. He recounts to a psychiatrist these events (some of which he remembers surprisingly clearly, considering he was only a baby) and then escapes to get revenge on the head nun from part 1. In between all of this, there are forty or so minutes of flashbacks.

This movie was pointless and poorly done. A decent film could have been made about Ricky following in Billy's footsteps, but this ain't it. They tried again with part 3 too (read my upcoming review to see how that turned out). The acting is hilariously bad ("Garbage Day!"), especially by the actor who played Ricky. I won't bother mentioning his name here (don't worry you've never heard of him) because there's just no point. But I will mention that this dude has a serious case of "over acting eyebrows". Watch the film to see what I'm talking about. Or better yet, don't. Even the commentary by the film's director, one of the actors and some other guy basically just points out how bad it is, with the three frequently bursting out laughing at key scenes.

RATING: 1/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984, Charles E. Sellier Jr.)

It's that time of year again, as you can tell by my most recent reviews. Time for mistletoe, yule logs and fruitcake. For many, it's a joyous time to spend with friends and family, exchanging gifts and good cheer. But for some it's a time to punish those who have been "NAUGHTY".

When little Billy and his parents visit Grandpa in the looney bin, Grandpa tells Billy that Santa punishes those who have been bad. On the way home, Billy sees his parents murdered by a guy dressed up as Santa. Billy then goes to live at an orphanage, where the nuns are constantly punishing Billy for his bad behavior. When Billy is old enough to work, he is given a job at a toy store around Christmas. After being forced to be the store's Santa, Billy snaps and starts "punishing" those he thinks are NAUGHTY.

The controversial Silent Night Deadly Night pushes many boundaries of good taste and stops at nothing to shock viewers. Seeing someone dressed as Santa chopping people left and right with an axe is just plain wrong. The film takes itself very seriously, which just adds to the level of sleeze. With that being said, I love this movie. It is a classic Holiday slasher and goes beyond most viewers expectations.

RATING: 5/5

Black Christmas (2006, Glen Morgan)

What happens when you try to remake one of the best horror films of all time? Shitsville? El sucko? Cacapoopoo? You'd think so, right? Well, it's not always true, especially in this case. I put off watching this in fear of the worst but was pleasantly surprised.

Like the original Black Christmas, this one centers around a sorority house right before Christmas break. They receive obscene phone calls and each start disappearing. Other than that, the film is very different. Instead of being oblivious to the killer living in the house, the girls are aware that the killer is there, they're just not sure who it is. Also, unlike the original, they are trapped in the house due to a snow storm and must fight just to survive.

Well slap my ass and call me Sally, a remake that doesn't suck. A cast made up of ex-Dawson's Creek and Party of Five stars would normally spell disaster, but they play the parts of annoying college kids perfectly. A new touch not seen in the original, which may put off or attract viewers, is gruesome violence and gore. Lots of eyeballs being pulled out and sharp objects through heads. There are plenty of scares throughout and tense scenes which make this film a surprising winner.

RATING: 5/5