Eaten Alive (1980, Umberto Lenzi)

Umberto Lenzi is credited with starting the Italian Cannibal craze (for better or worse) with his 1972 film The Man from Deep River.  The film was basically a remake of the Richard Harris film A Man Called Horse, only instead of Richard Harris being captured by Indians and eventually becoming part of their tribe, it was Ivan Rassimov being captured by Cannibals and ...well, I'm sure you can guess.  Several years later, the same year as Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, Lenzi made the second of his three Cannibal films, Mangiati Vivi!...aka Eaten Alive. 

Eaten Alive follows Sheila Morris (Janet Agren), a woman who travels to New York to search for her sister Diana (Paola Senatore), who has gone missing.  Sheila soon finds out that her sister went into the jungles of New Guinea to join a religious cult led by the sadistic Jonas (Ivan Rassimov).  Sheila hires badass Mark Butler (Robert Kerman) to help her travel into the deadly jungle to save her sister (for a mere 80 thousand dollars!).   After arriving at their destination, they are soon captured by Jonas and forced to join the cult.  Can they escape the commune through the Cannibal infested jungles or will they be....EATEN ALIVE?

Mangiati Vivi! is more of an incidental Cannibal film in the regard that the Cannibals are basically just a plot device and are not the main focus of the film.  Actually, the scenes of Cannibalism are mostly cut from previous Cannibal films (including Lenzi's Man from Deep River and Ruggero Deodato's far superior Last Cannibal World).  The characters are all pretty silly, including the Jim Jones-inspired cult leader who uses a dildo covered in snake's blood to defile one of the women.  Acting is pretty much non-existent too and the dubbing is noticeably bad.  One good aspect of the film is that the story is different and not just another "people stuck in the jungle running away from Cannibals" flick.  On the other hand, the films I've seen with that premise have all been superior, so maybe it's not so good.

RATING:  4/10

Rome Armed to the Teeth (1976, Umberto Lenzi)

I love Italian crime films. They are some of the most brutal, action-packed, violent (not to mention misogynistic) films you will find. Though I'm not a huge fan of misogyny, when used carefully it helps the audience understand the character better - whether it's the villain or the cop! Rome Armed to the Teeth is a perfect example of this Italian crime genre and Maurizio Merli's Leonardo Tanzi the quintessential tough cop. He will do anything to get the bad guy...I mean anything!

A gang of young crooks are out terrorizing the citizens of Rome. Inspector Leonardo Tanzi (Maurizio Merli) is outraged when two of the crooks he catches are let go, partially because of his psychologist girlfriend who thinks that the young criminals are just misunderstood. After getting a lead that Vincenzo Moretto aka The Hunchback (Tomas Milian) is a key suspect in the current crime wave, Tanzi plants drugs in his car to bring him in for questioning. Moretto is let go and Tanzi is moved from the streets to desk duty. Of course Tanzi is no quitter and keeps a low profile while continuing to kick all kinds of criminal ass.

Rome Armed to the Teeth is one of my favorite Italian crime films. It really does have everything that makes the genre so great. Merli is perfect as the brutal Tanzi, taking no shit from anyone, even mouthing off to his boss (I don't recommend this, BTW). He kicks people in the balls, smashes their heads in pinball machines and does this thing where he slaps people with the force of a punch. It's amazing. Tomas Milian is also perfect here in one of his best roles as 'Il Gobbo' (Italian for Hunchback). Milian has played some brutal characters but here he is comical, brutal, disgusting and scary. The scene where he explains how he retrieved a bullet from his crap after Tanzi forces him to swallow it is something else. Anyway, I highly recommend this film.

Pssst....Grindhouse Releasing......when the fuck are you going to release this already? You've had a trailer (under the title The Tough Ones) floating around for like a million years.

RATING: 5/5

Almost Human (1974, Umberto Lenzi)

As you could probably tell from my last few reviews, Tomas Milian is one of the greats from the Italian Crime genre. Whether he is portraying a cop or a ruthless villain, Milian's acting ability definitely stands out and more often than not, steals the show. Almost Human is a perfect example of this.

Almost Human features Milian as a small time crook Giulio Sacchi who decides that his current means of income are not making him as much money as he wants. He decides to take things a step further and kidnap a rich man's daughter. Along the way his violent streak gets a little out of control and he starts killing everyone he meets. Cop Walter Grandi (Henry Silva) takes the case and will stop at nothing to get Sacchi, even if it means killing in cold blood.

Umberto Lenzi hits another home run with this wildly violent and exciting film. Milian again steals the show as Sacchi, the demented man-child rapist who goes toes over tits crazy at the drop of a hat. This movie had some of the most depraved scenes I have seen in a poliziotteschi, especially the "human roulette wheel" and the "teddy bear falling down the stairs" scenes. Henry Silva does a great job as an enraged cop sick of criminals being let off easy. The whole cast and stunts are all excellent and every time it seems the action is about to let up, the audience gets a swift cockpunch. If you're looking for a sick, violent crime film with non-stop action and blood, then this is for you.

RATING: 5/5

The Cynic, The Rat and The Fist (1977, Umberto Lenzi)

Ahh, Poliziotteschi. I love that word. Saying it makes me feel like Dennis Christopher's character in Breaking Away. Also known as an Italian crime film, this genre blended elements from American cop and revenge films like Dirty Harry and Death Wish, but added elements of exploitation: sex, bloody violence and torture, insane villains with strong physical traits, crazy stunts including some of the fastest fucking car and motorcycle chases ever filmed. One of the best known directors for these Italian crime films is Umberto Lenzi. Lenzi, who is also arguably the creator of the Italian Cannibal genre of the 70s (with Man from Deep River) used lots of POV camera work to masterfully capture high speed chases and frequently cast Maurizio Merli as a cop whose rage and use of violence puts most of the gritty American cops to shame. The Cynic, The Rat and The Fist is one example of all of these elements coming together.

In this film, Maurizo Merli reprises his role as cop Leonardo Tanzi from Roma A Mano Armata (Rome Armed to the Teeth). After faking his death to elude the dangerous criminal called The Chinaman (Tomas Milian), Tanzi goes on his own as a vigilante civilian after The Chinaman kills his uncle. Tanzi creates a crime war between The Chinaman and kingpin DiMaggio (John Saxon), involving money and stolen diamonds.

This movie is the real deal. It is one of the most action packed, high speed films you are going to see. Fuck Michael Bay and his Transformers, this is the kind of action film I like. Merli's character has no problem slapping the hell out of a woman and still getting her respect. Milian is great as The Chinaman (I don't get it, is he supposed to be Chinese? The only difference I noticed from his other roles is his bad hair cut and partially shaved eyebrows). Saxon is a treat too as DiMaggio, a ruthless, foul mouthed, crime lord who (in one of the film's best scenes) uses his love of golf to torture people. I am so used to seeing Saxon as a good guy or a cop (unless you count his role as the evil outer space ruler Sador from Battle Beyond the Stars), that his role here really stands out. Lenzi does a terrific job of keeping the action going without letting the audience take a breath. All of these ingredients make for one hell of a great movie.

RATING: 5/5

Nightmare City (1980, Umberto Lenzi)

So let's take a few minutes and discuss the preconceived notions of the Zombie genre. I know what you're thinking: Zombie movies have pretty much become a dime a dozen lately. I agree that any genre that produces a noteworthy film also produces an immeasurable number of crappy ripoffs. So let's skip those for now. Let's talk about a film that often gets lumped in with the zombie genre, though when put under the microscope it actually bares little resemblance to the defining films that comprise the genre, the indisputable kings of which are George A. Romero's original living dead trilogy (I refuse to list them because you already know what they are...and if you don't, well...I don't even want to think about that possibility). The film I'm talking about is Nightmare City (aka City of the Walking Dead).

Nightmare City begins with an unmarked airplane landing on an airport runway without any notice or response to radio communication. Dean Miller (Hugo Stiglitz) is a reporter who sees the spectacle and decides it might make a good story, so he brings his cameraman over with him to catch it on video. When the plane doors open, out pop a whole army of crazed madmen who start killing everyone in sight and drinking their blood. Miller tries to get his footage shown on the news but is stopped to avoid an unnecessary panic. The psycho vampires invade the station and soon appear to be everywhere. Miller escapes and goes to find his wife, a doctor at a local hospital which has also become overrun by bloodsuckers. We then learn that these zom-pires were actually exposed to radiation causing them to go apeshit. The couple get away and have to fight for their lives to find a safe place away from the killers.

Nightmare City was a great zombie movie, despite the fact it's not really a zombie movie. Unlike most living dead films, the zombies here aren't really even dead. They have become supermen of sorts (thanks to radiation) who need to drink blood to stay alive. Plus, they don't stumble around like most zombies. These fuckers run, drive cars, shoot guns and plot out attacks. They even manage to cause a major blackout fer crissakes! Good stuff. The action is great, the gore is well done and the story hardly gives you time to breathe. A nice addition to...well...whatever the hell genre it belongs to.

RATING: 4/5

Cannibal Ferox (1981, Umberto Lenzi)

My Friend warned me about this film, calling it one of the worst movies ever made. I told him I was going to watch it this weekend, he warned me again. We have similar tastes in movies though often agree to disagree.

So was he right or will we agree to disagree? Well, keep reading and you'll find out.

Cannibal Ferox (aka Make Them Die Slowly) is the infamous tale of Gloria (Lorraine De Selle from House on the Edge of the Park) who travels to the Amazon jungle to dispel the myth that cannibals exist. Why, you ask? Because she is going to use this topic as her thesis to get her doctorate in Anthropology. Duh! Along for the trip is her brother Rudy and new found friend Pat (wouldn't you bring along an acquaintance to explore the Amazon with you?). After reaching their destination, they stumble upon Mike Logan (John Morghen aka Giovanni Lombardo Radice, also from House on the Edge of the Park) and his friend Joe (who looks like Clark Kent on the show Smallville), who came in search of cocaine and emeralds. They say they are on the run from the cannibal tribe that Gloria came to prove didn't exist. The fact these two groups meet up in the middle of the Amazon is an amazing coincidence, wouldn't you say? Actually I'd say it's more of a silly plot device, but I digress. Pat ends up going off with Mike, who we find out actually tortured and killed one of the tribes people, shedding light on the real reason for the tribe's hostility. Will Gloria and the others live to tell the truth about cannibalism?

Now, the moment of truth...(drum roll please)...No, Cannibal Ferox was not the worst movie ever made. Other than some weak acting and dialogue, the film was actually pretty watchable. The main thing that would probably turn off viewers is the animal killings. This seems to be a common occurrence in Cannibal films, most likely for shock value. I have no problems with people being castrated or having the top of their heads chopped off and their brains eaten by cannibals (both happen in this film) mainly because I know they are fake. The scenes with the animals though, really bug me. See, even gorehounds have heart.

RATING: 3/5