Cannibal Apocalypse (1980, John Saxon)

My "Cannibal-O-Thon" is going well so far, half way done. Cannibal Apocalypse is actually a film I have had in my possession for several years and just never got around to watching...until now.

The story of this one takes place mostly in the city (except for the intro which is a flashback of Vietnam), a big change from the usual Amazon jungle setting. Charlie Bukowski (great name huh?) gets released from a mental institute years after coming back from Vietnam. As soon as he is released he goes on a rampage killing and eating people. Apparently he brought back a virus from 'Nam which causes cannibalism in those that are infected. Also infected is his commanding officer Norman Hopper, who coaxes Charlie to turn himself in. Norman eventually sides with Charlie and a cannibal outbreak begins.

Much of Cannibal Apocalypse reminded me of Dawn of the Dead and other zombie films more than any cannibal film. The scenes of cannibalism were well executed and John Saxon (Enter the Dragon) as Norman and John Morghen (aka Giovanni Lombaro Radice from Cannibal Ferox) as Charlie are both great. I enjoyed the shootout in the flea market where Charlie turns himself in a lot but the ending of the film was a little hokey and expected. Overall a decent film and pretty original for the genre.

RATING: 3/5

Mountain of the Cannibal God (1978, Ursula Andress)

Number 2 in my "Cannibal Weekend" brings us Mountain of the Cannibal God, directed by Sergio Martino. These wild and crazy cannibals sure are nasty mofos. This is one I was thinking about watching for awhile but never got around to it. Figured this would be the perfect time.

The film centers around a wealthy woman (Ursula Andress) and her brother who go on an expedition in New Guinea to try to find her husband, who has disappeared. They seek the help of Professor Edward Foster (Stacy Keach) who was one of his colleagues and has a pretty good idea where he might be. What ensues is plenty of cannibal madness, double crossing and (groan) more senseless animal torture. When they finally reach the spot where her husband is expected to be, Andress' character is captured as the cannibal tribe thinks she is their goddess. The cannibals perform a ritual filled with sex, body painting and...well....something involving a pig that needs to be seen to be believed.

The main title sequence of the film blundered the title as "The Mountain of of the Cannibal God" (yes, two of's, I giggled like a school girl). Made me kind of weary of the film and what I was getting myself into. The movie started out a little slow and didn't really get to most of the action until the last half hour. Check out the interview with the director on the Blue Underground dvd where he states that a specific animal killing was accidental and there was no explicit sex, only to be disproved by the folks at Blue Underground. Also, I did like the cast in this one. Stacy Keach I never really cared for until I saw him in Road Games (review coming soon) and Claudio Cassinelli was very good as well. The real prize however was Ursula Andress. When I first saw her in Dr. No when I was ten years old, I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. With her infamous "painted body" scene in this film, I am convinced that if I had seen this as a tender young fifth grader, my weiner would have exploded.

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Mountain of the Cannibal God was a decent flick with plenty of gross out scenes to satisfy the hardened gorehound and plenty of nudity to satisfy the hard-on'd fifth grader.

RATING: 3/5

10 Random Gas Station Occurrences

As I stated in my first post, I work at a gas station on the weekends (that's not me above and I don't work for Mobil). Something I'm not too proud of, but it allows me to watch all of these great movies I review on here. Anyway, I will take a short break from reviewing and post this list I came up with of.....

10 Random Gas Station Occurrences:

1. I sold cigarettes to a 15 year old
2. Witnessed 3 parking lot vomits
3. Rescued a bat by scooping it up with a shovel and throwing it into the air
4. Was almost attacked by the bat I rescued in # 3
5. Have been flipped off, called stupid, an asshole, a bitch and plenty of other things that have escaped me
6. Was threated by a middle aged woman that she would urinate (my word, not hers) on the floor if I didn't let her use our Employees Only bathroom
7. Found the following interesting things in the trash barrells: vomit, blood, 1/2 full bottles of beer (which poured out on my shoes), poopy diapers and an empty box for a "Cockpit" vibrator
8. Watched 7 Lucio Fulci films over the course of one weekend.
9. Experienced the after effects of consuming a Gas Station Hot Dog (similar to the "entrail vomit" scene in Fulci's City of the Living Dead)
10. Offered an electrical outlet so a customer could plug in his dead cellphone, who in turn used it to set up a drug deal (this actually happened to me last night)

Cannibal Ferox (1981, Umberto Lenzi)

My Friend warned me about this film, calling it one of the worst movies ever made. I told him I was going to watch it this weekend, he warned me again. We have similar tastes in movies though often agree to disagree.

So was he right or will we agree to disagree? Well, keep reading and you'll find out.

Cannibal Ferox (aka Make Them Die Slowly) is the infamous tale of Gloria (Lorraine De Selle from House on the Edge of the Park) who travels to the Amazon jungle to dispel the myth that cannibals exist. Why, you ask? Because she is going to use this topic as her thesis to get her doctorate in Anthropology. Duh! Along for the trip is her brother Rudy and new found friend Pat (wouldn't you bring along an acquaintance to explore the Amazon with you?). After reaching their destination, they stumble upon Mike Logan (John Morghen aka Giovanni Lombardo Radice, also from House on the Edge of the Park) and his friend Joe (who looks like Clark Kent on the show Smallville), who came in search of cocaine and emeralds. They say they are on the run from the cannibal tribe that Gloria came to prove didn't exist. The fact these two groups meet up in the middle of the Amazon is an amazing coincidence, wouldn't you say? Actually I'd say it's more of a silly plot device, but I digress. Pat ends up going off with Mike, who we find out actually tortured and killed one of the tribes people, shedding light on the real reason for the tribe's hostility. Will Gloria and the others live to tell the truth about cannibalism?

Now, the moment of truth...(drum roll please)...No, Cannibal Ferox was not the worst movie ever made. Other than some weak acting and dialogue, the film was actually pretty watchable. The main thing that would probably turn off viewers is the animal killings. This seems to be a common occurrence in Cannibal films, most likely for shock value. I have no problems with people being castrated or having the top of their heads chopped off and their brains eaten by cannibals (both happen in this film) mainly because I know they are fake. The scenes with the animals though, really bug me. See, even gorehounds have heart.

RATING: 3/5

The Funhouse (1981, Tobe Hooper)

"Who will dare to face the challenge of the Funhouse? Who is mad enough to enter that world of darkness? How about you, sir...?"

Well, how about it? C'mon! What? You have nightmares of clowns touching you in bad places? Wah Wah Wah! Suck it up and don't be such a little bitch. What? That's what the clown says in your dreams? Oh. Oops.

Well October has started and so has my scary movie marathon. I decided that I would go with Tobe Hooper's (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) The Funhouse to start the festivities. The film is about four teenagers who go on a double date to a local carnival and decide to sneak in and spend the night in the funhouse. While inside they witness a murder by a mute carnival worker wearing a Frankenstein mask. The carnies soon discover that there are witnesses to the murder and try to hunt down the teenagers. Will the kids escape the maze of the funhouse?

The Funhouse turns out to be a well done horror flick by Hooper, one of the masters of the genre. The atmosphere is incredible and there are lots of good scares. Makeup Effects master Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London) does an incredible job creating the hideous monster hidden beneath the Frankenstein mask. Though the film's stalk and slash formula has been used many times before, the setting adds a new twist that a lot of horror films lack.

RATING: 4/5

Venom (1982, Klaus Kinski)

What's this? Two reviews in one night? I'm a friggin' machine! Next up is a little film that appears to be just another cheezy killer snake film, but it's way more than that. The dvd cover is kind of scary. Kinda feels like that snake is just going to jump out of the computer screen and bite your eyeball. Maybe it's just me.

Venom is a film that has two things going on at the same time. The movie takes place in England and is about a boy who is kidnapped/held hostage by his chauffeur, maid and some German guy. At the same time though, the boy's harmless, new, pet snake that he just picked up that day from a local animal store was accidentally switched with a Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in the world. Once the kidnappers find out about the snake (which naturally gets loose in the house), their plot starts to turn sour.

Venom was directed by Piers Haggard, who replaced original director Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), and featured a cast of well known stars, including Klaus Kinski (Herzog's Nosferatu), Oliver Reed (Gladiator) and Susan George (Straw Dogs). There was a lot of tension during the scenes with the snake and some good scares, but overall the movie is just a little two slow. The cast is great though especially Oliver Reed, one of my new favorite actors.

Blue Underground's dvd release is really nice with a director commentary and trailers. The transfer of the film is crystal clear and Michael Kamen's musical score helps build tension. Overall, the film has originality and really only suffers from it's slow pacing. It would have been nice to have seen the snake more in the film as well.

RATING: 3/5

Contamination (1980, Luigi Cozzi)

Another review, you say? But Mr. Starmummy Sir, it's only been a day since your last review? Don't fret, son. I plan on delivering a poopload of reviews as quickly as possible. I wonder what the metric conversion would be for a poopload?

For my second review, I have chosen the low budget Italian sci fi film Contamination (aka Alien Contamination, Toxic Spawn or the director's choice Alien Arrives on Earth) directed by Luigi Cozzi, who previously helmed Star Crash with Caroline Munro (Maniac), Joe Spinell (mention #2 in my blog) and a 26 year old David Hasselhoff. Contamination stars Ian McCulloch (Lucio Fulci's Zombie) and some other distinguished thespians (by distinguished I mean totally devoid of any acting skills whatsoever). The movie is about a bunch of eggs from outer space that spray liquid which causes its victim's chests to explode. McCulloch's character (so memorable that I have no idea what his name was) holds the secret to these eggs and joins a government researcher and a correspondent from the White House to stop whomever is behind this deadly plot to eliminate the human race...at least I think that's the plot.

When I started watching this, after the first 15 minutes I was saying to myself "this is better than Alien". By the end I was shaking my head wondering how a movie could start out so good and quickly tumble face first into a pile of dogshit. This movie reeks of a ripoff of Alien. Even the director admits the studio wanted to cash in on Alien, which is where the whole bumpy green eggs and chest bursting came from. I will admit, the chest bursting scenes were great. I can definitely see myself going back to the film and watching those scenes again.

Despite the bad acting and the obvious Alien ripoff, the climax is easily one of the most laughable in film history. Without giving too much away, the creature responsible for all of the eggs finally makes its appearance at the end of the film. Let's just say that...how can I put this nicely...it's probably the worst designed creature ever put in a film. It does open up one of its orifices (I couldn't really tell what part of the creature it was supposed to be) and sucks a guy up in it, which was cool. Other than that, crap.

To end this review, I want to say a little bit about the dvd out now of Contamination on Blue Underground, probably my favorite company putting out dvds. The picture is in great shape, especially considering the budget and age. The dvd features an interview with Luigi Cozzi, the highlight of which is when he calls the female lead ugly. There is also a behind the scenes documentary with footage filmed at the time the movie was released.

RATING: 2/5